With the 2006 season now just over 48 hours away (give or take), our jonesing for football has reached levels usually reserved for illegal substances and sexual congress. Sitting around waiting for Saturday’s big score was doing us no good, so we decided to put our college football tunnel vision to use.

Inspired by Sexy Results’ What rapper would you compare your team to?, Hey Jenny Slater’s Simpsons Cavalcade of College Football, and our 750th viewing of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, we proudly give you the cast of Will Ferrell’s magnum opus, starring as the Teams of the Pac-10, in:

The TrojanWire/Action News Pac-10 Preseason Power Rankings

1.) USC – Ron Burgundy

Don’t know how to put this, but they’re kind of a big deal.  People know them.  They have many leather-bound books, their campus smells of rich mahogany, and Merlin Olsen has been known to drop by, on
occasion. Quite simply, the Trojans are The Balls.

2.) Cal – Wes Mantooth

A solid contender and legitimate threat (with no shortage of spite for Papa Burgundy).  But the Golden Bears always wind up somewhere other than the top  — then typically blame the ratings system for putting them there.

3.) Oregon – Brick Tamland

Polite, rarely late, really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.  The Ducks are seemingly clueless, but capable of surprising an opponent with a trident through the chest.

4.) Arizona – Champ Kind

As anyone who’s ever been to Tucson knows, it’s the Home of the Whammy¹ (not to mention 17 unique strains of STD).

5.) Arizona State – Brian Fantana

Nicknamed penis and testicles.  Wears musk named "Sex Panther."  Currently working on Intercourse Island for the Fox Network.  What part of this does not sound like the Sun
Devils of Arizona State University?

6.) UCLA – Veronica Corningstone
(aka Tits McGee)

They’re always saying it — often in annoying internal monologues — some day they will reach the top.²  But one thing’s certain — you have to give them points for enthusiasm.³

7.) Oregon State – Frank Vitchard

Just when you think the Beavers are going to get something going, somebody comes along and cuts one of their arms off. Story of Oregon State’s entire football history.

8.) Washington – Ed Harken

Once upon a time, the Huskies commanded some serious respect around here.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Now they spend a majority of their time dealing with messed-up kids "on something called acid… firing a bow and arrow into a crowd."⁴

9.) Stanford – Public TV News Anchor

Weak, ineffectual, pretentious. First to run when a fight turns ugly. Not afraid to shove a girl into a bears’ den. Look like Tim Robbins with a white guy ‘fro. Should we keep going?

10.) Washington State – Garth Holliday

Nobody really ever listens to them.  Also, the Cougars are mad at USC for having a "poop mouth".

Footnotes after the jump.

Footnotes

¹ – We were initially talking about meth here; but then we did a search for ‘tucson whammy’ on Google, and actually found a model plane made in Tucson called the T-Whammy. No shit.

² – Of course, the Trojans thought they were kidding. They even wrote it in their diary — the Bruins had a very funny joke today.  They laughed at it later that night.

³ – We’re well aware of the subtext here; and yes — USC does take the fair maiden UCLA to Pleasuretown with great frequency.

⁴ – Coincidentally, this is how the entire Rick Neuheisel affair was described by most of the Washington faithful.