Fried-food fans listen up, we’re talking about your first love over here.

Blogging ROY-frontrunner Kissing Suzy Kolber has kindly submitted an analysis of the standard-issue bar menu you will encounter on any Saturday or Sunday this fall, should you have to venture away from your beloved flatscreen for one of the Trojans’ away games. While we don’t agree with all of their assessments (buffalo wings without celery are totally Unamerican):

Nachos
Nachos really share top billing with Buffalo wings. But you need fellow diners that are going to be sensitive about the chip-to-topping ratio. Ideally, you want each chip to have a little cheese, chicken, sour cream, jalapenos, guacamole and hot sauce. It never works out that way, because fucking Jim had to go and scoop up all the guacamole with one goddamn chip. What the fuck is wrong with you, Jim, you ungodly fat fuck?! And stop hitting on my sister! She’s already said she’s not interested!

Many restaurants also include chopped olives on nachos. I’d like to start a campaign against this. Olives are sweaty cherries. GRADE: A

Mmmm….where’s the nearest Chili’s (“The New Golf Course. It’s where business happens.” -Small Businessman Magazine)?

KSK Indoor Tailgate: Your 2006 NFL Bar Menu Guide [Kissing Suzy Kolber]