Q: We’ve seen DirecTV commercials featuring Doc Brown, Ricky Vaughn, Nadia and Ripley among others … which character [and] in which scene would you most like to see done? I cannot think of anyone better than seeing Ving Rhames in the store basement with Zed with a gag in his mouth mumbling about DirecTV’s superior HD selection. Or would you rather see a “Shawshank” one in which the warden blows off his head, then hear Morgan Freeman’s voice-over saying “I’d like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell he could have passed up such an exclusive offer from DirecTV featuring free installation and access to over 400 channels.” Or am I being obtuse?
–Frank the Tank, Bethlehem, Pa.

SG: Frank the Tank is like Hank Aaron – it’s his consistency over the years that makes him so special. Frank, I liked your choices and would add these three: (1) Al Pacino dressed as Tony Montana, coming up from a gigantic pile of coke on his desk and screaming about DirecTV’s movie channels; (2) Jimmy Chitwood breaking out of the final Hickory High huddle and saying, “Coach, I’ll make it … as long as we’re all allowed to order the NBA package on DirecTV!”; and (3) Michael Myers breaking character as he’s about to kill Jamie Lee Curtis in “Halloween,” then calmly explaining the advantages of DirecTV’s relocation program as he’s holding Curtis in the air and wearing his mask. All three of those would kill me. So would Dirk Diggler getting ready to show the Colonel his goods, then pulling out a DirectTV remote and explaining all the features. It’s an endless list.

But here’s my question: How do they convince these stars to reprise their roles? Charlie Sheen makes something like $15 million a year for that “Two and a Half Men” show. … What kind of Godfather offer did they make to persuade him to dress up like Wild Thing again? Did they blackmail him with porn orders made on DirecTV that they threatened to show his wife for her divorce case? I feel like all of these stars were blackmailed. … Well, except for Shannon Elizabeth, who was available. And if the DirecTV folks don’t have to blackmail them, how have they not landed Robert DeNiro yet? That guy will appear in ANYTHING if you cut him a check. Literally, ANYTHING. So where’s our DeNiro commercial of him breaking out from the diner scene in “Heat,” or the “What did I tell you?” scene after they pulled off the Lufthansa heist in “Goodfellas”? If somebody knows the answer to any of these questions, please, lemme know. I think about them constantly.