Just like a used car salesman, 5-star Notre Dame recruit Cierre Wood comes ’09 to the Irish with a guarantee. This old jalopy may have broken down last year. It may have crashed and burned. But now it’s been rebuilt. There’s more under the hood than there was before. This hunk-o-junk is the car of the future…and it will out perform a Ferari. Guaranteed.

True, Notre Dame should have a revamped offensive line after landing what is shaping up to be a stellar ’09 recruiting class. That should give Wood a good chance to show off his skills. But a three year guarantee? I won’t even do that for the Trojans. And USC is actually…good.

So Wood has a pair of balls too, good for him. But beware of false prophets Notre Dame fans… Lou Holtz predicted a Notre Dame win in 2005. Apparently the Bush-Push wasn’t in his crystal ball. And as the late great Chris Farley said in Tommy Boy:

Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time.

We got the box, Cierre. Thanks. And we’ll be sure to slap it with a great big RETURN TO SENDER.