If you’re like most men, you’ve probably fantasized at some point about some of the wholesome, family-friendly ways that you might employ an innocent, humble, fully clothed USC Song Girl. On cold nights alone on the couch, you may have thought, ‘I wonder if the Song Girls knitted their own sweaters? I wish they were here to knit something for my great aunt’s anniversary.’ On long bus rides, you’ve no doubt let your mind wander into that ubiquitous daydream, ‘I wish the Song Girls were here to help me think of a six-letter word for ‘ancient Mediterranean warrior.” At church socials, you’ve yearned, ‘If only a Song Girl could be here to help me choose between the subtle textures of Jeremiah Papaya and Rocky Road to Damascus.’

Well, young man, your clean, completely platonic dreams have come true, thanks to Busted Coverage, which unearthed the contract to rent a Song Girl for a mere $150 per girl. Why, imagine the possibilities! After your request is approved, these cheerful and upstanding ladies will do anything that pops into your well-groomed little head, from serving potato kugel at bar mitvahs to taking up tickets at charity bake-offs to performing Bible Camp skits based on the Book of Leviticus. There are no limits to what a sober, respectful mind might find for a Song Girl to do! So hire a Song Girl today — I bet they’re even more virtuous up close (but not too close)!

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Photo of the lovely and talented USC Song Girls via US Presswire. And if you’re really like most men, first of all, shame on you. You know exactly what I’m talking about.