Football players like to get physical. Even Olivia Newton-John liked to get physical. But this is the BCS era. Let’s get technical.

Following up on this weekend’s commentary about USC’s (non-existent) hopes of playing for the BCS Championship game, I hacked into the BCS computers and calculated all the possible outcomes.

Assuming the Trojans run the table, they have less than a one-quarter-of-one-percent-chance of making the BCS Championship Game. And that’s before weighing in obvious things that Vegas would consider. If you think Texas Tech will beat Baylor (hint: it will), the hope gets much slimmer. But, hey, maybe the Citadel can beat Florida. In 2080.

The BCS rankings came out yesterday and they’re identical to last week, at least at the top:

1. Alabama (11-0)
2. Texas Tech (10-0)
3. Texas (10-1)
4. Florida (9-1)
5. Oklahoma (9-1)
6. USC (9-1)

What boxes out the Trojans is that the five teams ahead of them all play in the same two leagues and have a conference championship game. Even though they might beat up on each other in the home stretch, at least two should to wind up with a "prettier" finish than USC. If I’ve done my math right (you’re welcome to check), there are 11 games or potential games that are out of USC’s control resulting in 2,048 scenarios. Of those, a whopping six could get USC into the BCS title game, with the Trojans jumping a mountain of two-loss teams. Again, this assumes Trojan victories over Notre Dame and UCLA.

If you hit any of these parlays in Vegas, drinks are on you. For the rest of your life.

SCENARIO 1: SEC swamps itself, a.k.a. USC’s best hope

• Florida loses to the Citadel and/or Florida State.
• Florida beats Alabama.
• Note: Even if Alabama loses to Auburn, it will be a one-loss SEC Champ if it beats Florida — so it would probably go ahead of USC on "style points."
• FINAL RECORDS: SEC champ Florida (10-3 or 11-2), Alabama (12-1 or 11-2 depending on Auburn game).

SCENARIO 2: Big chaos in the Big 12, Spread Option 1

• Texas loses to Texas A&M.
• Texas Tech beats Oklahoma.
• Texas Tech loses to Baylor.
• Texas Tech loses to Missouri in the conference championship.
• FINAL RECORDS: Big-12 champ Mizzou (11-2 or 10-3 depending on Kansas game), Texas (10-2), Texas Tech (11-2), Oklahoma (10-2 or 9-3 depending on Oklahoma State game).

SCENARIO 3: Big chaos in the Big 12, Spread Option 2

• Texas loses to Texas A&M.
• Oklahoma beats Texas Tech.
• Oklahoma beats Oklahoma State.
• Texas Tech loses to Baylor.
• Oklahoma loses to Missouri in the conference championship.
• FINAL RECORDS: Big-12 champ Mizzou (11-2 or 10-3 depending on Kansas game), Texas (10-2), Oklahoma (10-2), Texas Tech (10-2).

SCENARIO 4: Big chaos in the Big 12, Spread Option 3

• Texas beats Texas A&M
• Oklahoma beats Texas Tech
• Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State
• Texas Tech loses to Baylor
• Texas loses to Missouri in the conference championship
• FINAL RECORDS: Big-12 champ Mizzou (11-2 or 10-3 depending on Kansas game), Texas (11-2), Texas Tech (10-2), Oklahoma (10-2).

SCENARIO 5: Ultimate chaos in the Big 12 and world at large

• Texas loses to Texas A&M.
• Oklahoma beats Texas Tech.
• Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State.
• Texas Tech loses to Baylor.
• Conference championship is between Mizzou and another 2-loss team, leaving the winner totally irrelevant. 
• FINAL RECORDS: It doesn’t really matter. The world would be over, anyway. Dogs and cats, living together … it would just be frightening.

Gasp. I need oxygen like LenDale White after a 10-yard pickup.

All five of these scenarios are unlikely, but there’s another one that stands a reasonable chance. It could break the BCS machine for good. All true Americans, including Barack Obama, are rooting for this to happen:

• Oklahoma beats Texas Tech.
• Texas Tech beats Baylor.
• Oklahoma beats Oklahoma State.
• Texas beats Texas A&M.
• Mizzou beats the Big 12 South rep, which would be Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma, depending on who has the highest BCS ranking.
• FINAL RECORDS: Big 12 champ Mizzou is 11-2 or 10-3 depending on the Kansas game. One of the three other teams is 11-2. Two of the other teams are 11-1.

Then what? You can’t pick a two-loss champ (Mizzou) over a one-loss champ (USC), right? But how do you ignore two one-loss teams that were left out of their conference championship but finished with a better record than the two teams that played in it? They would have the same record as the Trojans (assuming those Notre Dame and UCLA victories) and would have played stiffer competition.

Maybe if this happens, somebody will get physical with the BCS organizers.

— Adam Rose

POSTSCRIPT (because I don’t know how to make a sidebar)

I wasn’t kidding — if you want to check my math on the number of scenarios, I counted 11 games (including potential matchups) with two possible outcomes each. Raise 2 to the 11th power on your trusty scientific calculator (we all carry those around, right?) and you get 2,048. Here are the games:

Oklahoma-Texas Tech
Oklahoma-Oklahoma State
Texas Tech-Baylor
Texas-Texas A&M
Mizzou-Texas or Mizzou-Texas Tech or Mizzou-Oklahoma
Florida-Alabama
Alabama-Auburn
Florida-Citadel
Florida-Florida State

If you’re a math wiz, let me know if I over-weighted the three Big 12 championship game possibilities or Florida’s remaining regular season games.