Hello, I’m Mack Brown, the head football coach for the greatest football program in the world, the Texas Longhorns. You might have read that we made $24 million more than our closest rival in the Big 12 in 2008, and I just want to address a few concerns.

Oh, this?

Just pure 24 karat gold leaf. We had it done in platinum first, but it didn’t match Colt’s eyes, and he couldn’t handle that. You get down to it, and that rough Texas boy’s downright lady-vain, you know?

I can leave you with it for a moment if you like, but we’ve got eight more just like it, you know. Hook ‘em! Hey, have you met the talking brain of Einstein in a jar? It’s right over here next to this basket of pickled basilisk eyes. They’re $12K a piece, but you’ve never tasted anything like ‘em…