Dear LenDale White,

Congratulations! You’re now a member of the sub-30 BMI club. In honor of your induction, we’re going to throw a party. All beverages will be provided by Jose Cuervo Lite.

I’m sorry, LenDale, but you’re disillusioning the people. Even worse, you’re disillusioning the AA candidates. Patron is not weight-gain 5000. You can not lose 30 pounds simply by going to alcohol rehab. I’ve never seen a fatass with a “liquor gut” who drinks 10 margaritas per day in his La-Z-Boy. Beer makes you fat. Liquor just fucks you up.

But wait! I just Wikipedia’d “Liver” and apparently it has something to do with metabolism. My attention span would not permit me to read past the first four lines, but we might be onto something here, Watson! Does that mean he really did lose 30 pounds simply by living the same lifestyle, minus the ‘tron? Fuck no.

Lets face it. LenDale’s been a big boy ever since we met him. His metabolism didn’t suddenly become Star Jones’ husband and just tell the fat to go the fuck away. He even admitted that the rest of his diet remains unchanged. Of course the lack of alcohol played a part, but it wasn’t THE part. Michael Vick wasn’t alone in his attempt to control Rottweiler overpopulation, he’s just has the biggest bulls-eye.

So what was the reason?

Lendale lost the weight because he could hit the gym harder as a result of his sobriety.

Think about it. You wake up from a long night of Patron-guzzling. Your iPhone’s missing. There’s a used condom oscillating above your head on the ceiling fan. Do you really feel like doing wind sprints? How about lifting 600 pounds with your “might-as-well-be-Stephen-Hawking’s” legs? Is it safe to lie down and lift a 250-pound bar above your head when you’re about to puke up into your own mouth?

Hangovers aren’t really this fun.

There’s a reason why hungover people are worthless.

Being the skeptic that I am, I doubt that LenDale has become completely abstinent of Patron, let alone all alcohol. But the combination of an increased dose of exercise and a decrease in overpriced tequila consumption (Prestige works just fine, thank you very much!) would sidetrack any liver’s road toward cirrhosis.

There are very few people alcoholics that have the motivation to kick the habit for the sole purpose of getting in shape. Several alcoholics have invented shortcuts to stay in shape without having to give up the goods. However, there might still be a few dumbfucks out there who believe that they can lose the LenDale 30 in exchange for not having liver cancer.

I just hope they don’t read this.