This is poetry:

DALLAS – A Dallas woman touched her friend’s buttocks, sparking an assault and attempted stabbing, police said.

The alleged incident happened at an apartment in the 1700 block of Trade Winds Drive in the southern section of the city.

According to a police report, 22-year-old Laquita Mattox rubbed a finger along the victim’s butt crack, prompting her to clench her buttocks. The victim claimed the clenching caused the bed she was sitting on to break, angering Mattox.

A fight ensued in which Mattox repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a butcher knife and threatening to kill her. According to the report, she said, “Are you ready to die?”

I don’t care that August just began, I’m calling it–no one is beating this one in the ‘Headline of the Month’ race. Congrats to Don and the good people of Fox Dallas-Fort Worth.