If you are unfamiliar with The Onion, then welcome to the world outside the rock you’ve been living under, Osama. Glad we could introduce you to some funny news.

Now that the Saints are Three and Oh, and off to a hot start, Reggie Bush can finally answer all the accusations that have been totally made up by those hacks at Yahoo! Sports.

Bush said that he was able to purchase a 45-inch high-definition flat-screen television, rent his posh downtown apartment, and buy his friends the newest pair of Air Jordans by “working [his] butt off at the Carl’s Jr. in the student union, taking lecture notes for disabled students six times a week, and working the Sunday-morning shift as a security guard at Trojan Hall.”

The biggest charge against Bush — the question of his family’s ability to move from their small San Diego apartment to a $757,000 home in Spring Valley during Bush’s junior year — could, according to Bush, be explained by his “cushy” job in the Student Activities Office, which Bush admits was “pretty easy,” saying he “literally did nothing for $11 an hour.”

Put that proof in your pudding (and smoke it). Sorry Tim Tessalone — sometimes we just can’t put the bong down.

Reggie Bush Claims He Made $100,000 Through USC Work-Study Program [The Onion]