Al Davis and Lane Kiffin – photo from insidesocal.com


The Oakland Raiders are denying an ESPN report that owner Al Davis wants Lane Kiffin to resign as head coach. Kiffin went 4-12 in his first year as the Raiders head coach, doubling their wins from the previous season. Despite the meager record, the Raiders have shown marked improvement under Kiffin’s direction. The report alleges that Davis had drafted a letter of resignation for Kiffin to sign.

Whether or not the allegations prove to be true, we’ve put together a little scenario as to how the “resignation” debacle might have played out.

–

Secretary: Mr, Davis. Mr. Kiffin is here to see you.
AL: Send him in. Send him in…

Lane Kiffin enters the room.

Kiffin: Al, you wanted to see me.
AL: Yes.
[awkward silence]
Kiffin: And?
AL: Sit down. Sit. You’re going to that thing in Al-Oh-Bama, aren’t ya? With the kids.
Kiffin: The senior bowl. Yeah. There’s going be a bunch of my guys there.
AL: Is that right?
Kiffin: I think its a record. Eight. Eight Trojans.
AL: I always liked that. The number eight, that is. Eight’s a good number. College however…not my thing. I’ll leave college to you. [pause] You had some good times coaching college. Some impressive records. You must miss it.
Kiffin: There are elements I miss, but…
AL: Yes, you were good. I can imagine how hard it is for you. College. The big Saturday morning. The kids screaming. That’s your thing. You looked a lot more comfortable. Your place.
Kiffin: I’m comfortable here.

Al Davis eyes Kiffin from across the desk.

AL: Would you like a soda?
Kiffin: No thank you.

He hits the intercom.

AL: Erika, get us two grape sodas, will you?
Secretary: Right away Mr. Davis.
AL: [to Lane] You’ll thank me later.

They sit in silence for a moment.

AL: Hair says a lot about a man, Kiff. What does my hair say?
Kiffin: Your hair?
AL: If hair could talk, hypothetically speaking of course.
Kiffin: I’m not sure if I understand.
AL: It says Al Davis is a winner. Al Davis gets…what he wants.

Kiffin is about to speak, but the secretary enters with two grape sodas. The secretary exits. Kiffin takes a sip and grimaces. Al is about to drink, but stops.

AL: What is this?
Kiffin: Grape soda.
AL: I know damn well what’s in the glass. I asked for it, and I know you heard me ask for it because you’re sitting right in front of me. Don’t be dense in front of me Lane. I’m talking about the straw.
Kiffin: What’s wrong with the straw?
AL: It doesn’t bend. What if I want to drink from the side, or the front, or the back? No. I have to be directly above it every time. It doesn’t work. Being inflexible. Coaches are a lot like straws. We bend, so that we may be more flexible. So that we may win games.
Kiffin: Right.
AL: Would you say you’re a bendy straw Lane?
Kiffin: I would think so…We made some good progress this year Al. You said so yourself. But we still have work to do. The work ethic here has changed. The players’ mentality has changed. We’re re-organizing from the core.

Al Davis looks him up and down.

AL: I have a test. To figure your straw-personality type. Bendy or inflexible.
Kiffin: Okay.
AL: I’m going to put a series of papers in front of you. You have to see how fast you can sign them.
Kiffin: Sign them?
AL: With a pen. With a pen! Sign.

Al Davis pulls three papers and a pen from his top desk drawer -SLAMMING- them on the desk.

AL: GO!
Kiffin: Sign?!
AL: GO. NOW!
Kiffin starts scribbling away.
AL: NO! All wrong. On the X. It has to be on the X!
Kiffin: On the X…

Lane starts reading the papers.

Kiffin: Letter of resignation?!

The cat’s out of the bag. Al searches for a distraction. He grabs his grape soda, heaving the purple contents into Lane’s eyes.

Kiffin: What the F*&K, Al?
AL:You broke the rules. You were supposed to sign! Sign! Not read!
Kiffin: You want me to step down?
Al: No. I want you to sign this paper saying you want to resign. I like you. I want you to stay. But you, I can’t convince you. You’re hell bent on leaving. And I admire that.
Kiffin: I’m not going to sign. I still have two years left on this. And I’m no quitter.
AL: I can respect that. But I can’t respect a man with grape soda all over his face. Go clean yourself up. This is the Raiders. We’ve got a reputation to uphold.