There is nothing in a 20-something year-old college football die-hard's life that can match the unbridled excitement of it.
Well, actually, there are lots of things. Beer, vagina, re-runs of Family Guy, this picture, Stouffer's French-Bread pizza, vagina, stumbling upon a classic scene from The Godfather while flipping channels, vagina. Still, it's a pretty fun game. And it's different every year.
OK, so no it's not.
It's the same fucking game every year.
All they do is update the senior class, shit out a new draft pick on the front, write a bunch of hackish, slogany catch-phrases for the back, let Lee Corso out of his cage, feed him his meds, lock him in a sound studio, wave a shiny microphone in front of his face, and drag Kirk Herbstreit out of a slutty, smells-like-Woodford-Reserve-and-unprotected-sex sorority house dorm room at 9 A.M. to re-dub the same exact "color" comments from the previous year's game.
But it's special. And with its release only weeks away, Gump4Heisman thought "Why settle for what lame-ass EA Sports gives us?" Why settle for the same?
Why not use the cover to reflect what's REALLY going on in college football? Why not use the cover to have a little fun at some schools' expense? Why not use the cover to selfishly make fun of teams and programs I do not like? Why not use the cover to once again over-promote my favorite school? Why not quit rambling and make with the photoshopping already?
I will, thank you.
And sure, there have been other knock-off covers. Fanboys across the nation fill NCAA Football covers with undeserving fan favorites. But this time… this time it's, well, new. And twisted. And funny. And sick. And over-the-top. And a bit profane. And likely to make you question my mental stability.
In other words: it's pure Gump.
And before you ask, "Are the covers dominated by SEC schools?" I'll ask you this: Is college football?
NOTE: These covers are not high-res, but have been scaled to print to size. So, if you want, print one out and use it when you buy NCAA 09. No charge. Only, when your friend asks where you got it from, send him or her my way. Oh, and click on my damn ads. Mainly, the top one. That's how I make money off this deranged web domain. You no make with the clickie, I no make with the bloggie, capiche?
(CLICK THE IMAGE TO SEE IT FULL-SIZE)
Mark Richt. The very name brings to mind words like cleanliness, goodiness, neatiness, and Spaghettios. OK, I'll admit that last one comes to mine probably more because, at the moment, I'm hungry like the Duran Duran.
What's that sound you hear? It's Tommy Tuberville's recruiting machine in, as Snoop Dogg would say, full motherfuckin' effizect. Tuberville, when he isn't in Arkansas shooting spread pellet, is snatching up every spread-worthy, five-foot nothin, 130-lb. Ruettiger he can find.
Alabama Crimson Tide
Albert. Means. No two words cause Immedi-Cringe™ on the face of an Alabama fan/myself quite like those two. (OK, well maybe 'Bill. Curry.') SO let's say it again. Albert Means. Albert Means. Albert Means. Dammit me. You barner.
Ha. And you thought Alabama used to be dishin' the dirt. If it can be done, it can be done and gotten away with at USC. After all, you know what they say, at USC the rules are made to be ignored. Apparently, the NCAA has no problem with this.
Ohio State Buckeyes
The next time you’re out of jokes at a party and someone wants to hear a good one, just say “Ohio State.” That should get plenty of laughs.
Yessir. Arkansas got themselves a pure-bread head coach. And they paid through the teeth for him. At first, it looked like their coaching search had tucked tail and ran. Yet just when you thought they were out of bite, it turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. And in the end, they went barking up the right tree.
Tim Tebow is a legend. Already. But even the mighty Tebow cannot contend with Her. Her is even more of a legend. An internet legend. Yet we do not even know Her name. Or else we would try to be friends with Her on facebook. Tits.
LSU is about to have to start a Harvard transfer uber-nerd. At quarterback. In the SEC. And they still might even be loaded enough to win the West.
Continuing the story… Ryan Perrilloux. Enough said.
‘Bama Bonus Cover A
So Jay Barker just got hitched to super hot country music superstar Sara Evans. Though all mainstream country music is no doubt shit-filled poo-poo doo-doo these days, apparently Jay Barker’s love life is anything but. So, being a National Championship Quarterback at the University of Alabama has its perks. Who knew. (John Parker, are you out there? Yea, it’s a long shot. But pick a favorite pop singer and hop to it son… That goes for you too Star/AJ/next stud QB commit…)
‘Bama Bonus Cover B
We all know that no one can out-recruit Nick Saban. But here’s the real question: Could Nick Saban out-recruit himself… with his virtual self in NCAA Dynasty Mode? Doubtful.
– Le Gump