Well, there goes the Saints’ season.
I know a lot of football fans often see players’ hot, centerfold, assalicious (for those who don’t know, that’s the league above bootylicious comprised only of Kim Kardashian) arm candy as a distraction, but for Reggie, this was different. For any of you who think Kardassian is a jinx like Jessica, get your head out the fucking Chicken of the Sea can.
Sure, it’s easy to draw the parallels – K.K. and J.S. both have (or had) their own shitty reality TV shows that make you feel like you’re taking a weedwhacker to your head while watching. Yes, they’re bombshells. Yes, I could jump off a ten story building head-first and still be a higher functioning human being. However, Kim was different in so many ways.
Any sports nerd is going to look at Reggie’s stats the past two years (when he dated Kardassian) and say, “you dumbass, his numbers were down from his rookie year and he had more injuries.” Thank you. If ESPN.com had a Braille option, Stevie Wonder could have told me the same fucking thing.
You’re crazy if you think that tig ‘ol bitty brunette wasn’t keeping our Heisman homeboy loose by making him pose in ways that would make Richard Simmons cringe. Hell, just ask Tom Brady what blow jobs due to knee ligament damage. If Reg wasn’t dating Kim, his leg joints might be worse than Bill Walton’s right now.
You know what Jessica Simpson did for Romo (other than give him the football equivalent whiskey dick in the playoffs)? She broke his finger. Why? What else is a guy going to do when Jessica Simpson doesn’t put out and your next best option is Terrell Owens.
And good ‘ol Kimmy diversified Reggie’s ensemble. He’s in subway commercials, fitness commercials and they’re teaming up to give Becks and Posh an run for their money as couple I most want to see in a homemade flick. I know you’ve seen the photos of Kim and Reg in whatever that mens magazine was. Mens Health or some shit probably. Why didn’t you ever see HRomo and Jessica on the cover of a metrosexual mag? Because Jessica didn’t know you had to be pregnant in order to be sponsored by Target’s maternity line and Jerry Jones simply doesn’t stand for any of that bullshit.
So, Saints fans, you best hope two-five finds himself a replacement. FAST. Finding a bounceback from Kardassian won’t be like returning punts against the Vikings, but I hear Megan Fox is single.