Just In Case…

The recent news about Frankie Telfort is depressing to say the least. However, there’s a rapidly growing solution to problems like this.
Jessica's Ass

I won’t get into the sentimental “he was so young and had such promise,” spiel because, after all, he’s not dead and happens to have a free ride to the greatest school in the world. Regardless, I’d be pretty fucking downtrodden if I received an offer to be the director of communications for a hotshot sports franchise and, right before my first day on the job, contracted Helen Keller syndrome. With this kid’s passion for the game, I can only hope that Coach Carroll gives him the opportunities to stay involved with the team in some form.

But the Telfort news got me thinking about a trend that’s caught headlines in recent sports news. Insurance.

ESPN.com reported that Colt McCoy’s father took out a $3 to $5 million insurance policy on his promising Longhorn son. So did Sam Bradford’s father (who is, conveniently, an insurance “specialist”). Even if Tim Tebow’s father wasn’t a priest, we all know full-well that God, Jesus or Clint Eastwood would never let a fucking thing harm that gelled-up head of his.

I’ve spent 40 hours per week this summer immersed in the insurance industry, during which time I’ve learned enough to probably write a really, really shitty dissertation. Combining this with my mediocre-at-best sports knowledge, I’ve decided to compile a list of sports figures who desperately need insurance.

Michael Vick: Benefits package for injury-incurred time-loss
Have you seen PETA’s ad campaigns? I don’t care if Vick’s feet are still quicker than Artie Lange’s comebacks, he’s got no shot dodging a mob of those acid-tripping hippies.

Kobe Bryant: Catastrophic Disaster coverage for hit-and-runs
Consider this – Bill Simmons hates Kobe Bryant. Bill and Kobe live within 50 miles of each other. Bill is a Celtics fan and Clippers fan by default (he’s wealthy enough to own Lakers tickets, but elected instead to go with the cross-town rival leftovers). Kobe let rival columnist Rick Reilly ride around in his Lamborghini. Bill’s made threats. ‘Nuff said.

When Bill Simmons doesn’t dream about the Red Sox and Tom Brady’s Ass, he envisions Ronny Turiaf dancing to Kobe’s untimely demise

Chad Ocho Cinco: Life insurance
Now that he’s joined the live vlogging community, claiming his channel is more entertaining than ESPN, it seems this guy will attract obnoxious amounts of attention until he dies. Odds Ocho Cinco base jumps into the grand canyon without a parachute within the next year: 3.5:1.

ESPN: Erin Andrews insurance
How the FUCK did they let this happen? If she disappears to south Africa to rediscover herself, only to realize she doesn’t want to return to sideline princessing, I’ll suicide bomb the next adult film convention. This is your fault, FREE INTERNET PORN!

Shaquille O’Neal: Workers compensation coverage for carpel tunnel
This isn’t because O’Neal’s free-throw wrist motion completely negates his brutish masculinity. It’s because the spelling and grammar in his twitter tweets is retarded. It can’t be his level of intelligence – lest we forget his alma mater is Love Shaq University – but rather it seems his minor motor functions seem to be declining in his old age.

Andrea McNulty: Lots of life insurance
If Roethlisberger’s mediocre numbers drop any lower this year, Troy Palomalu is going to kill this woman. So will James Harrison. He already has experience in this department.

Kyle Bunch

Partnerships for R/GA Ventures. Raised in California, adopted by Texas. Opinions expressed here are mine and they are fantastic.

0 thoughts on “Just In Case…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s