SCENE: Los Angeles, CA. The USC Campus. A room of reporters wait for Lane Kiffin. AD MIKE GARRETT paces nervously in the background. An AIDE waits with him.
Aide: What do you want me to do?
Garrett: Stall. Just stall them a little longer. I’ll get to the bottom of this. Just tell them Orgeron bit a raccoon and they’re cutting his head off to see if he’s rabid or something.
Aide: Orgeron’s head, sir?
Garrett: Wouldn’t be the first time. Whatever. Just keep them busy ’till I figure this out.
GARRETT runs to the corner to take a hurried call. Reporters notice a colleague looking at a laptop. The reporter begins pointing to his laptop frantically. They huddle.
Aide: Sir, the reporters are–
Reporter: IT’S STARTING!!!!
Reporter two: Oh god–
Garrett: Wait, he’s not even here, and I can’t get him on a HOLY MULEFUCKING SHIT.
The ESPN News online feed shifts, comes into focus. ALL GASP.
Mumbling very quickly, Lane Kiffin begins addressing the crowd of reporters assembled in a conference room at South Carolina.
Garett: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me.
Lane Kiffin: Hello, everyone. It’s an exciting time to be a Gamecock, that’s for sure. I can promise you a few things. I can promise that you’ll be real excited about this program. I can’t wait to run out of the tunnel to 2010. I can’t wait to beat Furman in Death Valley. I can’t wait to take shirtless pictures of our players oiled up and wearing chains in front of a–
Examines the colors of the backdrop behind him.
–red and black sports car of some make and model. I can’t wait to bring the passion and excitement our staff brings with us wherever you go. Here’s my wife. She has tits.
Garrett: Oh god. He’s at USC. The other one.
Aide: Why hasn’t anyone told them they’re in South Carolina? And that there’s already a coach there?
On the screen, KIFFIN continues.
Kiffin: And now, I’d like to introduce assistant head coach and recruiting coordinator Ed Orgeron.
Garrett: That’s why.
ED FUCKING ORGERON steps shirtless to the mike. He holds a rooster in his hand. The rooster has a Glock strapped to either leg with duct tape.
Orgeron: DISSANEW MASCOT ANNA NEW FIGHTSONG! LEARNIT ANNA LOVEITAH!!!
REPORTERS die from pleasure.
Garrett: Someone get me a seven million dollar check and Jon Gruden’s phone number.
Aide: Seriously, where the hell is Spurrier?
Augusta National, 11th hole. STEVE SPURRIER is having a pastoral moment.
His phone rings.
Spurrier: clears throat Ballcoach here.
Assistant: Coach, Lane Kiffin’s here to take your job. Says he’s been named new head coach.
Assistant: Yeah. You gonna do something about that?