Live from the Shrine Auditorium in the center of the universe — sunny Los Angeles, California — it’s the TrojanWire 1,000th Post Spectacular Special. Featuring appearances by Reggie Bush, Salma Hayek, Matt Leinart, Paris Hilton, Pete Carroll, Carson Palmer, Stephen Colbert, Junior Seau, Snoop Dogg, Marcus Allen, Ted Knight, Bacon-wrapped Hot Dogs, Keith Rivers, Henry Winkler, Lofa Tatupu, Alyssa Milano, Charles White, Shrek, Anthony Davis, Kirsten Dunst, Oscar Lua, Judith Regan, and many more.
Ladies & gentlemen, here’s your host — Will Ferrell.
ANNOUNCER: And now, here to present TrojanWire’s Top 11 Reasons Why We Totally ♥ USC, they scare opposing defenders with vicious hits, she’s a slutty cheeseburger-slangin’ party girl. Give a warm welcome to Rey Maualuga, Dallas Sartz and Paris Hilton.
Top 11 Reasons Why We Totally ♥ USC
11.) Carson Palmer to Mike Williams.
So smooth. Carson was always filled with potential, but it wasn’t until Big Mike arrived from Florida that Carson established himself as the real deal (the additional margin for error that comes with a 6’5″ receiver who outweighs every man covering him probably didn’t hurt there). The legacy is somewhat tarnished by the Trojans totally getting screwed out of a third year with Mr. Williams. But Maurice Clarett’s gotten what’s coming to him for that.
Buying booze on campus, with student discretionary funds? In the words of Telly Savalas — who loves ya, baby?
9.) Linebacking Corps/Destruction Force
From Junior Seau and Willie McGinest to Lofa Tatupu and now Keith Rivers, Oscar Lua, and Rey Maualuga — our linebackers will fuck you up.
At 2am, after a victory and a night at the 9-0, this is the best bean & cheese in Los Angeles — no small feat.
7.) Tailback U.
For one glorious stretch from the 1960’s through the early 1980’s, USC’s running backs included four Heisman winners — Mike Garrett, O.J. Simpson, Charles White and Marcus Allen, and Heisman finalists Anthony Davis and Ricky Bell. Discussion of this era is actually more effective than Cialis when it comes to helping older Trojan fans with erectile dysfunction.
6.) No Bears
That’s right, our campus is refreshingly bear-free. Sure, there’s the occasional bear in a human suit. But show us a college campus that doesn’t have that same problem. USC is as bear-free as any school. Something that couldn’t make us prouder.
5.) Ronnie Lott
With apologies to Brett Favre, the biggest badass in the modern football era went to USC. End of story. (Care to argue? kindly submit (a) a video with as many hits as this one, and (b) a story of your candidate cutting off part of an appendage to re-enter a game.)
4.) The Coliseum
So many things to say about The Coliseum this could really be a post of its own, but some of the quick things we must note:
– Bacon-wrapped hot dogs carts before/after the game. A tradition that everyone (except pigs) can get behind.
– Three words: seats not benches. You can try to justify your team’s uncomfortable metal benches as superior on some sort of purist level all you want, we’re not buying it.
– A solid percentage of our fans dress like Judge Smails taking out the sloop, and yet somehow in the Coliseum, they totally pull it off.
– To anyone who contends their college stadium is better, we humbly ask — did they ever hold the Olympics in your stadium?
3.) Matt Leinart & Reggie Bush
The greatest college QB and RB in recent memory. And one even came back when everyone in the country outside of USC was telling him to go pro. The Bush/Leinart era was the college football equivalent of dating Scarlett Johansson and Halle Berry. At the same time. For three years. (A feat that, coincidentally, Matt Leinart might have pulled off during his time in L.A.)
2.) Song Girls
Their legendary reputation preceeds them. Might as well be wearing Catholic school girl outfits out there. So freakin’ hot, they cheer for the wrong team and we don’t even care.
1.) Pete Carroll
Pete Carroll’s success in recent years is almost without equal in the annals of college football. Only a couple coaches have enjoyed a stretch like Carroll has since the start of his second season as Trojan coach. So naturally, we’re going to be a fan of the guy.
But you see, we grew up during the Tollner, Smith, and 2nd coming of RoboCoach eras. We attended USC through the darkest of all periods — the Hackett years. All we ever heard was how USC used to be this national powerhouse, but many of the Trojan faithful were starting to question if those days would ever return.
And then came Pete, and his enthusiasm and his perfect coaching hires (Chow + Orgeron = brilliant!) and his recruiting and his Mountain Dew. At a time when the supposed alternatives were Mike Riley and Dennis Erickson.
Pete, if you ever need a kidney, blood transfusion, or anything of the sort, don’t hesitate to give us a call.
ANNOUNCER: Our next presenters have been hot topics of conversation on the Internet of late — both for disarmingly jiggly body parts. Here’s Junior Seau and Salma Hayek:
TrojanWire’s Highlights of 1,000
- 55-19: An Orange Bowl game that none of us will soon forget.
- Pat Riley v. TrojanWire: Our Three-Pete shirts land us on ESPN.com and help T-Wire make its first SportsCenter appearance.
- Two Years, Two Heismans: Leinart and Bush dominate the nation’s top award, and make it three in four years for USC.
- The Fonz/Barry Zuckercorn: Ayyyyy!! Anyone for a hot ding dong?
- The Action News Power Rankings: Ron Burgundy & Co. brought some much-needed levity to the T-Wire household in ’06.
- Mom Jeans and the Loser Leprechaun: There’s still nobody that’s as much fun to play (and beat) than the Irish.
ANNOUNCER: And now, here to present the evening’s final tribute, here’s our two favorite dogs. Please welcome Snoop Dogg and a Bacon-wrapped Hot Dog.
Sneak Preview: TrojanWire’s 1,001th – 2,000th Posts
- More Bush
- More Booty
- Less Paris Hilton
- More Pete Carroll
- Way Less Brady Quinn
- A Little Bit More Brady Quinn’s Sister
- More O.J. (Mayo and Simpson)
- Less Judith Regan
- More Salma Hayek (Can you believe she turned 40 in September?)
Please welcome your host back to the stage once more…here’s Will Ferrell:
Here’s to you, our loyal TrojanWire readers, who’ve kept us going through 1,000 glorious posts. We couldn’t possibly be more excited about the next 1,000: